Is this the real me?
It has recently been brought to my attention that perhaps I am not all that I pretend to be. Who am I really? I have spent a bit of time tonight reading some blogs of people that I find to be the coolest in the world. Two in particular. My good buddy Alta, AkA Molly, who is honestly true to herself and who herself is, is rad. I want to be like her, I think in some ways I have tried to shape myself to be more like her. Is this a bad thing? I'm not sure. I don't know. Then there is my sister Lea's friend Melissa, ARG! I want to be cool like her, a strong, unique woman, who loves the good things of the world, but relishes her closeness with the spirit, when I read the abstract thoughts of people like Molly and Melissa I think of the words from The Cure "why... can't I... be you?!"
When I was a kid I thought that the bear lake monster was the coolest thing in the world, so I spent hours in the lake growling to myself swimming around the lake. I tried to cover myself in seaweed or to make myself green, but I finally gave up realizing that no matter how hard I tried I would never be the bear lake monster. That was a hard day for me, I soon moved on to obsessing about how Asians are good at everything and I decided I wanted to become Asian, when I realized I couldn't do that, I just wrote a story inspired by my fantasy, about a really smart, Jimmy Neutron type of kid who actually came up with a way to change his DNA and other important genes to simulate that of an Asian, in turn he became much smarter, more motivated, and all that stuff. Looking back at that story, the kid was smart enough, he didn't need to be an Asian, he already had it. So what about me? What do I want to be? Do I really want to be Melissa or Alta? No, I want to be me. But who is me?
I feel like Tarzan when he looks at his reflection in the water and gets creeped out realizing he isn't a monkey (are monkies who he chilled with?). I know how you feel Tarz, it’s killer. I wanna know other strangers like me! I need me a Jane, to come and draw me a picture to help me see who I am,it should probably be a John if loving gets involved ... You Tarzan me Jane... You Patience me John... it's so simple.
Am I heavenly????
When I was in primary I would sing “I know who I am… I know God’s plan!” It’s true, I do know that I am a child of God, and that my spirit came from Him, but I honestly don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t know what my passions and hobbies are, outside of obsessing about being loved by others for my eccentricities. Maybe it’s a quarter life crisis. Na, I don’t think it is. But the question of the week is HOW, how do I discover who I really am? And When I do how to I like what I am? I have been hurting myself trying to be as innovative, witty, and unique as the bear lake monster and Asians, I need to quit trying to be others and find who I am so I can embrace me. It’s scary. Seriously, I am scared. How????? The person who dared look deep enough into me to tell me I spend a great deal of time putting on the “I’m Not Really Patience Bush Show” (which if you haven’t watched, you missed out because it’s highly entertaining, but it’s soon to be cancelled, possibly in it’s last season), was also kind enough to inform me that I can find out who I really by starting with asking the question “Who am I?” Just like Tarzan. AHH the nerves. But it will be good for me! Let the adventure of finding me, being me, and liking me begin!!!
Maybe this is me?
This?
This blog inspired by:
A touching song and road show titled “Who I am, that’s what my soul longs to know.” Written by Lynn Davison, performed by Amy Watson (at the time, now Amy Murphy) and Lauralee Bush.
