Hartiousluvamixities

The idea of even writing this one post overwhelms me because the chances of me doing another post before the year’s end are diminutive and somehow posting once makes me feel like I’m committing myself to something. I have to post today, I have spent the last hour using up my clean the house/take a nap time to read blogs of friends which inspired me to dust off my blog and read what I wrote three years ago. I write for a living these days (not a great living, but it pays a bill or two) but I must say that I was a more soulful writer three years ago. It’s interesting for me to see where I was three years ago. It was on the brink of my meeting and marrying Cory and yet I wasn’t sure I could even love or be loved. I was confused and nervous, but I tried to be very insightful and I was, perhaps I could relate more wisdom than I could comprehend. I received a blessing in college once that said that I needed to learn to take my own advice, I’m still working on that one. The Payche of three years ago was lonely, she loved God but didn’t know where her journey would take her. My last post spoke of my goal to attain more education and great career paths and as a second thought mentioned marriage and love. The truths of my soul desired marriage and love first followed by education and a career. That is proven by the life of today’s Payche. See that handsome dork? He has made today’s Payche a completely happier, healthier (though heavier) woman. He taught me that I could love. He made my life become OUR life. That is why my last post was about my goal to be able to feel and express love but this morning’s thoughts were about how love doesn’t express what I feel every day. Love used to seem too big for me to obtain and now it’s seems too small for what I have. How could love mean all that I feel and do? The emotion I have quickens my soul and moves me to work harder and happier than I ever thought possible. It’s helping in my constant fight to remove selfishness, how could a one syllable word do all of that? Enter Joy… that’s what we should have named her because it describes her personality and what she brings to us, but her real name is B. She changed our definition of love, she made it even bigger. She made it involve joyful sacrifice, joyful stress and responsibility, and a heart that is bursting at the seams. Hartiousluvamixities, that is more like it. That is what better describes this thing we call love. I am saddened by the people that think that they can only love the good looking… or as the guys would describe it… the “hot”, that is definitely NOT hartiousluvamixities, love perhaps, but I doubt that it’s even that. I wish we wouldn’t be so blinded by what we see so that we could behold what is really there and what will really bring us joy. Dear Payche of three years ago, you’re right you have no idea what love is or how to love or… how to be loved. But I can’t help but wonder if the Payche of three years from now will be telling me the same thing.

"To Dream The Impossible Dream"

"You must go after your wish. As soon as you start to pursue a dream, your life wakes up and everything has meaning." ~Barbara Sher

I just read this quote and it spoke to me, I mean it REALLY spoke to me. Dreams, wishes, hopes, desires, and vision are what keep us going through the storms of life. We have to have a clear vision of the end result in order to get up every morning and do it again, or start it all together, whatever “it” is. Sadness, boredom, and complacency come when we loose sight of or hope for our dreams. We must be willing to “dream the impossible dream” to make a wish, and go after it, because as soon as we do that, our life has meaning.



It makes me think of my mission, and the plan of salvation. I can’t tell you how many faithful followers of Christ I met that truly loved God and clung to Him for everything in their life, that still felt stagnant and purposeless because they had no clear vision of why we are here and what the end result is. The Lord knew that our spirits need to have a goal to work towards so He painted the picture for us. He told us that this life was the time to prepare to meet Him, and by meeting, I think that He means more that just reuniting with our Dad in heaven, which, by the way, I can’t wait to do. But I contend that perhaps He also meant that we would really have the opportunity to get to know Him by becoming like Him. We meet His ways, we will live His ways, we will follow in His footsteps and enjoy the glory that He has, because He will give it to us, if we will but go after our dreams while here on earth. The plan of salvation teaches us that we will have more than many mansions as thought of in worldly terms, but we will eternal families, lasting friendships, the finest things here in life, coupled with eternal glory which glory we can’t even begin to comprehend while here on earth. And the goodness will never reach a plateau, we will always have new goals to achieve and greater joy to obtain.
It has been my experience that all eternal principles can be used for temporal things. If wish-making and dream chasing is an eternal principle, then we must use it for our earthly dreams also. I dream to be the one sitting in the therapist chair, or playing with kids in the hospital and helping them work through the emotional process of their hospital stay, right now every obstacle seems to be against me. It seems to be an impossible dream. I feel behind in my goal achieving, I lack the needed money, and the scholarly ways, I feel overwhelmed by other things in life, and fear that it all may be too close to home, but if I retreat now, my life will not have as much meaning, I will not have a directed purpose and my complacency will cause me deep sorrow. I dream of having a family and actually being able to love and be loved romantically, it seems so impossible to me, impossible and painful, fear is ruling the chasing of this dream. I must overcome the fear and work towards my dream in faith or again, I will feel the sorrow and loneliness of a meaningless life.
My greatest heroes have discovered their dreams and went after them against all odds. Tony and Judi Clark in joining the church. My Mother in having me, her literal “dream child” in ailing health at the age of 45 against the odds of her death. My brother Larry and his wife Trish, who are in the midst of their dream chasing, in selling his house and moving to Dingle Idaho to help my parents with the faith that the Lord will provide a way. My friend Devin, serving a mission shortly after the death of his mom. My sister Lauralee, who is in the beginning process of a very painful dream chase, as she changes her life completely, and truly forsakes all to build on the rock of our redeemer and gain the peace she has always dreamt of having. My friend, and young woman Aryn, who took a math test three times, and worked closely with a guy in the admissions office of BYU-I so she could be admitted in despite her lack of public schooling.



My Savior, who felt the pain and sins of a world embracing every heart ache, who was tempted beyond anything I will ever understand but never gave up because He knew the joy of each of us, and the joy of being at the right hand of the Father. They all dreamed the impossible dream and went after their impossible wishes despite the heart ache, the blackness of the road, the many times their dreams seemed crushed or it appeared that God abandoned them in their chase, and despite the fear. They clung to faith, hope, and love until they could achieve their dreams. All of these people are my heroes and some of the happiest people I know, why? Because their life has meaning.

Let’s all become heroes and dream the impossible dream that each of us have, then go after it with the help of the Lord, as we do so, we will find joy in the fact that our lives have meaning.

Who I am... that's what my soul longs to know.

Is this the real me?

It has recently been brought to my attention that perhaps I am not all that I pretend to be. Who am I really? I have spent a bit of time tonight reading some blogs of people that I find to be the coolest in the world. Two in particular. My good buddy Alta, AkA Molly, who is honestly true to herself and who herself is, is rad. I want to be like her, I think in some ways I have tried to shape myself to be more like her. Is this a bad thing? I'm not sure. I don't know. Then there is my sister Lea's friend Melissa, ARG! I want to be cool like her, a strong, unique woman, who loves the good things of the world, but relishes her closeness with the spirit, when I read the abstract thoughts of people like Molly and Melissa I think of the words from The Cure "why... can't I... be you?!"



When I was a kid I thought that the bear lake monster was the coolest thing in the world, so I spent hours in the lake growling to myself swimming around the lake. I tried to cover myself in seaweed or to make myself green, but I finally gave up realizing that no matter how hard I tried I would never be the bear lake monster. That was a hard day for me, I soon moved on to obsessing about how Asians are good at everything and I decided I wanted to become Asian, when I realized I couldn't do that, I just wrote a story inspired by my fantasy, about a really smart, Jimmy Neutron type of kid who actually came up with a way to change his DNA and other important genes to simulate that of an Asian, in turn he became much smarter, more motivated, and all that stuff. Looking back at that story, the kid was smart enough, he didn't need to be an Asian, he already had it. So what about me? What do I want to be? Do I really want to be Melissa or Alta? No, I want to be me. But who is me?



I feel like Tarzan when he looks at his reflection in the water and gets creeped out realizing he isn't a monkey (are monkies who he chilled with?). I know how you feel Tarz, it’s killer. I wanna know other strangers like me! I need me a Jane, to come and draw me a picture to help me see who I am,it should probably be a John if loving gets involved ... You Tarzan me Jane... You Patience me John... it's so simple.



Am I heavenly????

When I was in primary I would sing “I know who I am… I know God’s plan!” It’s true, I do know that I am a child of God, and that my spirit came from Him, but I honestly don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t know what my passions and hobbies are, outside of obsessing about being loved by others for my eccentricities. Maybe it’s a quarter life crisis. Na, I don’t think it is. But the question of the week is HOW, how do I discover who I really am? And When I do how to I like what I am? I have been hurting myself trying to be as innovative, witty, and unique as the bear lake monster and Asians, I need to quit trying to be others and find who I am so I can embrace me. It’s scary. Seriously, I am scared. How????? The person who dared look deep enough into me to tell me I spend a great deal of time putting on the “I’m Not Really Patience Bush Show” (which if you haven’t watched, you missed out because it’s highly entertaining, but it’s soon to be cancelled, possibly in it’s last season), was also kind enough to inform me that I can find out who I really by starting with asking the question “Who am I?” Just like Tarzan. AHH the nerves. But it will be good for me! Let the adventure of finding me, being me, and liking me begin!!!

Maybe this is me?


This?


This blog inspired by:
A touching song and road show titled “Who I am, that’s what my soul longs to know.” Written by Lynn Davison, performed by Amy Watson (at the time, now Amy Murphy) and Lauralee Bush.

Glasses

About once a year I go through a phase where I almost feel like I need glasses. Not with lenses just as a fashion statement. I would hate to be dependent on glasses because I loose them all the time, plus I am a VERY independant woman. But I think they would help me make more friends, be more respected,and have more confidence.

The picture above is of me when I gave into the longing for glasses in 2006, I lost them in week, but I loved them. Didn't I look good? Don't you want to be my friend? And I know you respect me more. The most witty and loved people all have glasses. Lisa Lobe... you know you all love her "you say, I only hear what I want to!" I need glasses.

Back for more! Tender Mercy and Favorite Moment...

I am very proud of myself. I almost didn't write today, I was feeling lazy, but that is crazy because I have too much to be grateful for today. Sundays, they are so great! Don't you agree? Can I get an amen? I can't hear you!
Okay, that was good. Today I was blessed enough to speak and sing at a nursing home in little ol' Dingle Idaho. Nursing homes are my favorite places to partake of the sacrament because the people there are so committed to God that the room has no choice but to be overflowing with the Spirit.



I felt it stronger than I have felt the spirit in a while. It was as though I really was baptized again, I felt myself renewing convenants to the Lord and I felt him cleansing me. It is a beautiful thing. To make it all even more powerful, my Dad, who just had knee surgery blessed the sacrament, to do so he needed to kneel on both knees. I saw him painfully use his priesthood authority to bless all of us in the room. He allowed himself to ache physically so that we could be healed spiritually. It was truly symbolic of the atonement and the promises we make when we partake of the sacrament. We promise to stand as a witness of Christ despite what pain it may cause us. It chilled me to the bone. Thus it was my favorite moment of the day.

What's my tender mercy you ask?
Well I will tell you, thanks for asking!
When I spoke I had no idea what I was going to say, but the Lord filled my mouth and at one point I pointed at a lady and said passionately "You are NEVER, EVER alone." turns out her daughter died this week, and she has never felt more alone and abandoned by the Lord. God it good isn't he? What a tender Mercy.

We truly are a blessed people. The Lord never leaves any of us alone. He is there, He is HERE. He rejoices with us and he cries with us. He scratches our backs when we need to relaxe, He holds us in his arms when we are lonely, and He allows us to bend His ear at anytime. He really is a great Father.

Daily Tender Mercy and favorite moment...

I have decided to try to do a daily favorite moment and tender mercy. This being my first day at blogging, I am really into it, but knowing me it may fade fast. I hope it doesn't, me being commited? That would be a tender mercy.

Favorite moment-
I decided, for the first time since I have been visiting my family for Christmas to actually get ready today. I bathed (impressive I know), I did my hair (I am an over achiever), and I even put on make up. It was a big day for me, I was hoping to meet my true love in the land of Dingle Idaho. I didn't meet my true love, BUT when I walked out of the bathroom, my 4 year old nephew (as seen in the picture below) said "Wow Patience you look pretty!" He instantly became my favorite nephew! And made my favorite moment of the day. Thanks Christian.




Tender Mercy-
We all have a lot of those daily don't we? My number one of the day was a quote my brother Larry read from Elder Richard G. Scott that says.
"Fourteen years ago the Lord took my wife beyond the veil. I love her with all my heart, but I have never complained because I know it was His will. I have never asked why but rather what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience. I believe that is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties." As he read that I felt the Lord speak to me through his spirit and gave me a tip, something he wants me to work on, and promised that doing that would make me happy. What a great God!