Hartiousluvamixities

The idea of even writing this one post overwhelms me because the chances of me doing another post before the year’s end are diminutive and somehow posting once makes me feel like I’m committing myself to something. I have to post today, I have spent the last hour using up my clean the house/take a nap time to read blogs of friends which inspired me to dust off my blog and read what I wrote three years ago. I write for a living these days (not a great living, but it pays a bill or two) but I must say that I was a more soulful writer three years ago. It’s interesting for me to see where I was three years ago. It was on the brink of my meeting and marrying Cory and yet I wasn’t sure I could even love or be loved. I was confused and nervous, but I tried to be very insightful and I was, perhaps I could relate more wisdom than I could comprehend. I received a blessing in college once that said that I needed to learn to take my own advice, I’m still working on that one. The Payche of three years ago was lonely, she loved God but didn’t know where her journey would take her. My last post spoke of my goal to attain more education and great career paths and as a second thought mentioned marriage and love. The truths of my soul desired marriage and love first followed by education and a career. That is proven by the life of today’s Payche. See that handsome dork? He has made today’s Payche a completely happier, healthier (though heavier) woman. He taught me that I could love. He made my life become OUR life. That is why my last post was about my goal to be able to feel and express love but this morning’s thoughts were about how love doesn’t express what I feel every day. Love used to seem too big for me to obtain and now it’s seems too small for what I have. How could love mean all that I feel and do? The emotion I have quickens my soul and moves me to work harder and happier than I ever thought possible. It’s helping in my constant fight to remove selfishness, how could a one syllable word do all of that? Enter Joy… that’s what we should have named her because it describes her personality and what she brings to us, but her real name is B. She changed our definition of love, she made it even bigger. She made it involve joyful sacrifice, joyful stress and responsibility, and a heart that is bursting at the seams. Hartiousluvamixities, that is more like it. That is what better describes this thing we call love. I am saddened by the people that think that they can only love the good looking… or as the guys would describe it… the “hot”, that is definitely NOT hartiousluvamixities, love perhaps, but I doubt that it’s even that. I wish we wouldn’t be so blinded by what we see so that we could behold what is really there and what will really bring us joy. Dear Payche of three years ago, you’re right you have no idea what love is or how to love or… how to be loved. But I can’t help but wonder if the Payche of three years from now will be telling me the same thing.